just finished editing this video for my stupid job...its for fun they say...and yet you feel stressed.  there is only a prize and no real point.  yet you feel stressed.  i am stressed, but now that it is over i am so happy i feel bubbles bursting all around me.  im just dreading waking up tomorrow.

here is me

here is we

we will find it somewhere in between im sure.  sometimes i wonder what im doing, wasting my time watching elimidate and right now im watching blind date, when i have my own perfect date whom i am sure to spend many special moments with.  what am i going to where tomorrow?  i do have a date with mr dream guy above, but im running out of clothes, got to start doing my laundry on a regular basis.  i really feel like a slob...think my weekend is going to be spent cleaning.  my one day this week of a weekend.  anyway, im pooped and tired of complaining, i bid you adieu to appreciate the finer things in life.

brent and i went to the zoo and had the most amazing time.  we started the day out with a picnic lunch from rainbow drive-in and ate it on beach mats right on the beach in front of the zoo!  you know, where sunset on the beach takes place.  tres cool.  we chatted a bit in this romantic setting, then headed off for an unusual trek through the honolulu zoo.

the most notable events that took place, involved fist an elephant, then a monkey, then a meer cat, then a tiger, then a lion.  when first entering the zoo, brent had to attend to the urinary needs.  so i wandered to the elephant section where you could see them in action.  it was pretty cool.  we both ended up standing there watching the elephants pick up logs and toss them around with their trunks.  those trunk things are way cool!

then onto the monkeys trapped on little tiny islands.  one guy was sipping up the water and he was displaying his monkey swaying abilities quite well, going from bar to bar...then he quickly goes to the water again for a drink and splashes some on a poor bystander monkey.  then they go traipsing through the island...its so tiny!  it was real cute.  and right across was a caged orangutan...and he came right out of the wall as if he noticed us there.  it was amazing.  we later saw him lounging in the hammock.  he was a big feller.

then, entering the african safari...i was able to get the coolest and closest pictures of some of these amazing animals.  the lions were in no mood for photos.  got some of giraffes and zebras, but none of the rhinos, as they were off sleeping and too far away for the digi-cam.  we ran into a meer cat, timon and pumba style, and peculiarly enough, it walked and coughed around...puked in one area, then moved and coughed and puked in another area...for about two more times after that, and then scurried up onto the mound to scout...or pose.  it stunk bad.

we were pretty pooped, but not pooped enough to bypass the tiger exhibit.  we started at one end, but it looked like the tiger was on the other end, so we went there, and then wehad to go back because he was where we'd started, and he kept pacing back and forth.  i wanted a closer picture and look at this feisty predator, so brent called the tiger, adn he came right to us for many photo ops.  we sat there watching him until we decided it was time to leave.

so on our way out, we happened to pass these turtles.  i asked, "would you like to take a poicture with it?"  brent replied, "no, its just a shell."  so i took a picture of it thinking it was kind of tall for a turtle.  then we noticed that it was moving...and that there was another turtle underneath it!  they were mating, or something.  i told brent the female was getting raped, because right after we noticed, she started moving around to face us, knocking the huge male off of her, we though for sure he would topple over.  but he somehow made his way back on her and was making some pretty awful mating noises.  brent does a good impersonation.  we got some good photos of it, but we couldnt seem to find his piece...we wanted proof of there deed...hehe.  there were some japanese tourists also interested in their affair, and brent and i said, "sukebe" about the male turtle.  quite an adventure.

we took a memorable photo on the way out that photo booth they have.  and that was the cherry on top of my sundae!  tomorrow...buca di beppo.  hope i can eat it all!

was on msn with my honey and we were chatting...

brent: im not into christmas
caramel coated: why are you not into christmas?
brent: its not even thanksgiving yet
caramel coated: i think im into it bc of the ______.
brent: yeah, i think so
caramel coated: im not usually like this
caramel coated:and bc of you
brent: explain 3 last sentences
caramel coated: i usually wait until after thanksgiving
caramel coated: and im so excited to share it with you
brent: thats so sweet

that was today. from memory...oh, how i have those nowadays, since i am getting SO old! this year, i am not so bitter that christmas starts showing its face before my absolute FAVORITE holiday, but am actually looking forward to it. mostly because i am planning something special for all my friends...some people i like. thats hard to come by if you ask me...liking people. but i guess you have to like someone some time ;). im really excited about it, and usually, i start my christmas shopping early. hopefully i will finish this week, so that i will be able to focus on my new job. im kind of really scared about that. i think this company is bigger than any that i really worked for...and in the private sector.

happiness has found me again!  oh, alright, guess it was always there, if only i would stop pms-ing!  i feel like ive had it for a month!  well, tonight was cool, even though i had to go watch jackass the movie with brent and jon.  was funny, but man, i was screaming in there like i would a scary movie!  i hated when the guy got papercuts!  that was about the worst part besides the drinking piss flavored shaved ice!  yuck!  but brent and jon enjoyed themselves immensely, so i guess not so bad...and brent is going to take me out to a nice dinner, not to mention also to coldstone for my cravings!  im wierd.  i like their banana flavored ice cream, plain, with nothing on it.  and you get free toppings there!  who, but insane me, would like that...a toppingless ice cream?  today, i also hung out with my sis and mom.  we cleaned the attic and hana sushi.  got to talk more about europe, and its always nice to hang out with them...and i found lots of treasures in the attic!  that i am proud of.  well, good nite folks, im out...

i told a friend that i have had many coincidences in my life with brent...our six months, that make me believe in that whole love at first sight thing.  i guess this would be one of the times that it would be good to actually tell the world...what is most special to me and what i like about brent.

when we first met, i remember thinking, "this could be the guy for me!"  i felt an immediate connection, but dismissed it just as quickly, because he seemed far too perfect to be interested in me.  the funny thing is, it was at my office, he was installing a zip drive, and he snobbed me!  not totally in your face style, but he seemed totally disinterested in anything i had to say.  so i played the same game.  we are strange like that.

sometimes i think that if, in that moment, i grabbed onto him and never let go, that we would not have the problems we have now.  but we probably would and fate deals the cards that we will never know in what order we were meant to find them.  i loved him in the first moment i saw him.  so why are we at this place once again?

a little later in the legislative session, tracy and i began having lunch with chip, this computer guy, and eventually, brent joined in our weekly fun.  it was very nice, but yet again, we found ourselves in a situation where we did not open up ourselves, or our mouths, to one another.  if only we had spoken.  and then we had our chance.  one day, while at work, he aimed me.  we had all exchanged our aim handles, and there two people, tracy and brent, were saying stuff to me.  cool by my standards, only, i didnt think about it as anything.  there was no real conversation, until, i found his asian avenue page one night.  i think it was a thursday, because it was before one of our lunches...a potluck, and i was bringing the dessert.  we talked long into the night, on aim of course, and found that we had so much in common and wondered why we hadnt talked sooner.  it was as if fate needed to throw us up against the wall and put what was there for us right in front of our faces.  the attraction, the love, our love story, everything unfolded from that very first night.  we both wished we had saved that conversation.  it was magical.  he always tells me that no one speaks on aim quite like me and it always makes me smile.  i even snookered him in to giving me a cyber kiss...*smoochie*

so we had lunch, knowing our feelings were more...but at the same time unsure of exactly what they were...and then i openly exposed myself, when i left him a note on asian avenue telling him, "i really want to go to a movie, do you know anyone who is interested?"  but actually, if we ended up going to a movie, i think that i would have invited tracy to come.  but i had gotten out of my dinner late, around 10pm, and found a note waiting for me to call him.  so of course i did the minute i got home.  i actually left my computer on the entire time!  i wanted to see if he would write me as soon as i entered my house.  so when i called him, he told me he had to go to this karaoke thing, but afterwards we could do something.  we agreed on anna millers, and that was a magical first date!  we talked all night, marveling at all the coincidences, liketies, everything.  i have never found everything ive ever wanted in a man than i have in this one.  and i told him that.  we were so honest with each other...and realized how much we cared about each other and how we felt in one night.  when does that happen?  not even a single kiss or touch, but all from one conversation.

after he dropped me off at home, i decided to call him a little later to see if he got home safely.  he did and we talked the entire night!  so i invited him to hiking the next day with my father.  another magical day.  i was always scared of almost falling off the cliff at lani kai, but brent was always there to catch me.  and our hands touched.

okay, well i havent told you any of the coincidences, perhaps when i see brent again, he can refresh my memory.

i love him with all my heart, but i wonder, what is meant for us?  for three weeks things have been absolutely perfect, but i guess this vacation had to end, and now i dont know where things stand.  i want a relationship where he would love to do the things i ask of him, where he delights at the sound of my voice if there is anything he could do to please me.  i mean, i am happy to do anything for him.  but lately, i try not to do so much, because he doesnt seem to want to treat me with the same respect that i think we both deserve.  i want a relationship where when i tell him i love him, he wont tell me in response that i dont or that he doesnt believe me.  i want him to just accept it and be happy that i am there to say it.  i appreciate every moment i have with him.  i dont want there to be any "last" moments, because it is him i love and no other.  before i met him, i was ready to give up on men, and if this ends, all my faith in the other sex or in ever attaining happiness in life will be out the window.  i wont destroy my life as im sure he hopes.  but i just wont be the same without him.  sometimes, i think he forgets that i care and that i have feelings.  i have so much to offer, but only focusing on the small things and all the things that hurt him, i dont believe that i deserve to be hurt in return.  isnt loving forgiving?  i always forgive him, but it never seems like he has let go.  and everything is sad now.  and i dont even know if he is alright.  so many threats, and so many hurtful things he's said to me...how am i supposed to believe that he loves me?  or at the very least cares about me.  for anyone else, i would not do this much...i would be GONE.  so why am i still here...worrying about things that i am not in control of?  because i love that dummie...because i love him for all that he has to offer me, whether it be a lot or a little.  because whether he thinks so or not, when i am not full of emotion and hurt, i am actually there for him (even during, though i may not act it).  he says that i am his world...well, if i am, then treat me like your world, do not step all over me and turn everything into ashes and dust.